Into The Quake

Into The Blue was a movie that was released in 2005 and was about physically attractive stupid people who fuck each other and look for pirate treasure.

That isn’t exactly what happened in Chile, but Paul Walker, one of the stars of that movie, doesn’t seem to understand that. He came down here a few days ago (I’m pretty sure without a shirt on and carrying a harpoon) to lend a hand with the relief effort. Which is great news if the poverty-stricken, newly homeless, bereaved survivors of the quake in Conecepcion, Chile want to know how to get past the doorman at Skybar, or are curious as to what Tyrese Gibson is like in real life. Maybe Paul can share celebrity tips to maintaining a flat stomach while still eating carbs.

Hopefully what happens -- and I mean this sincerely -- is that he shows up in Southern Chile, shuts his stupid fucking actor mouth, helps clear some debris and gets back to Equinox and Pinkberry as fast as possible. That’s literally the only way he can help. If he does anything other than that then I hope he gets burned in a refinery fire.

For my part I arrived in Valparaiso a few days ago after an 8 hour bus trip across the Andes. I was shaken down at the border for about 100 bucks from an Argentine border patrol agent who didn’t like that the new passport the U.S. embassy in Argentina gave me a few months ago didn’t have a stamp in it. So it was either pay up or hole up in the middle of a barren mountain range for god knows how long. The biggest problem was that there weren’t any ATM’s at the checkpoint and I only had about 60 bucks on me. I had to borrow the rest from the bus driver and pay him back once we got to Vina Del Mar. He was nice enough to give me the money but wasn’t exactly happy about it. I was kind of surprised he did help me out. Even though I’d like to think that in my home country a bus driver would be nice enough to bail out a foreigner with money problems… I’m not so sure it would actually happen.

But that was the only speed bump. I met some Chileans on the bus and had dinner with them once we arrived. It was great not just for the company but also the city. Valparaiso is a UNESCO world heritage sight for a reason: It’s fucking awesome. It’s kind of like if San Francisco, Marina Del Rey and the Hollywood hills got together to form a city and decided no white people could live there. It’s all beautiful old multi-colored houses on stilts with twisty cobblestone roads winding their way up into the hills and tiny cafes nestled in small hillside plazas. And every one of them has an ocean view. At the moment I’m writing this on the front patio of my guest house with a nearly panoramic view of the entire city and port below. It’s so nice that I’ve already extended my reservation for another week.

I guess the strangest part about it is that the earthquake didn’t really affect the city. I’ve seen a couple repairs being made, and heard of damage to a few buildings, but for the most part everything seems fine. The real tragedy occurred in the south, where I guess things aren’t quite as pretty and people aren’t quite as lucky.

Or maybe not. After all, those who survived the quake do get to meet the guy from 2 Fast 2 Furious.