Interview With Cat

A couple of days ago I was able to sit down with my roommate’s cat (I don’t remember its name) and conduct an interview. Marcelo, the owner of the cat, has been visiting his father in Brazil for the last couple of weeks, leaving me and our other roommate (a 21-year-old Finnish exchange student) to take care of it.

Over the course of two or three hours the cat and I touched on many topics, broached a few otherwise taboo subjects, and aired some grievances.

Below you’ll find a transcript of my interview with cat.

CHRIS WALLACE: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

CAT: Sure, I’m glad to be here.

CHRIS WALLACE: Just out of curiosity, did you have any other plans today?

CAT: No.

CHRIS WALLACE: Do you have plans on any day of the week?

CAT: I don’t know, do you?

CHRIS WALLACE: Let’s move on. I have to confess that I had an ulterior motive in asking you here today.

CAT: Really? What?

CHRIS WALLACE: I’m sure you may have picked up on some hostility I’ve directed towards you in my two months in this apartment.

CAT: You mean all the times you told me to shut the fuck up and called me a fat asshole?

CHRIS WALLACE: Among other things, yes. I was wondering if you might have any insight into why I’m behaving like that.

CAT: Because you’re a faggot.

CHRIS WALLACE: What?

CAT: I think you heard me just fine.

CHRIS WALLACE: I don’t think resorting to… I can’t think of the word for it… when you engage in an argument and just call the other person –

CAT: Ad hominem attacks.

CHRIS WALLACE: Thank you, yes. I don’t think resorting to ad hominem attacks is going to help us bridge our common differences.

CAT: Well what is it when you call me a fat asshole?

(pause)

CHRIS WALLACE: That’s different.

CAT: Why? Please explain how you calling me a fat asshole is any different than me calling you a faggot?

CHRIS WALLACE: Because you were acting like an asshole. And you’re fat.

CAT: And you’re acting like a faggot… and you’re a faggot.

CHRIS WALLACE: let’s get back on track. Marcelo, your… I don’t know what you would call him… your father?

CAT: He’s not my fucking father.

CHRIS WALLACE: Master?

CAT: This isn’t Amistad. I’m not a fucking slave. Do I look fucking black to you?

CHRIS WALLACE: I really don’t know.

CAT: I do what the fuck I want, when the fuck I want.

CHRIS WALLACE: Which is part of the problem.

CAT: What do you mean?

CHRIS WALLACE: Every time I leave my room you’re waiting outside and you yell at me.

CAT: I yell at you?

CHRIS WALLACE: Yes. Well, the cat version of yelling anyway.

CAT: Really? And what does that sound like?

CHRIS WALLACE: (imitating meow sound) Like that.

CAT: First of all, I don’t sound like that. Second of all, did you ever think it might be because I’m hungry?

CHRIS WALLACE: Yes I did. Ever since Marcelo left for his vacation I think I’ve been very diligent in feeding you.

CAT: You call that shit food?!

CHRIS WALLACE: It’s cat food! It’s from the store!

CAT: I don’t give a fuck where it’s from, I’m not eating that shit!

CHRIS WALLACE: Which, once again, is part of the problem. If you don’t want to eat the food that’s given to you, that’s your decision, don’t complain to me.

CAT: Yeah I guess you’re just too busy drinking and doing coke by yourself in your room to worry about whether or not I get fucking fed.

(long pause)

CHRIS WALLACE: I don’t –

CAT: The fuck you don’t.

(pause)

CHRIS WALLACE: Don’t try and turn this around on me. You’re the one who complains all day long, irritating the fuck out of us.

CAT: What do you mean “us?"

CHRIS WALLACE: Me and the other roommate.

CAT: The Dutch guy?

CHRIS WALLACE: He’s Finnish.

CAT: What’s the difference?

CHRIS: Just that Dutch and Finnish people come from completely different countries.

CAT: You’re a real condescending fucking asshole, you know that?

CHRIS WALLACE: You could try looking at a map sometime.

CAT: Yeah, cause I’ll get so much out of it, not being able to fucking read… asshole.

CHRIS WALLACE: It would be more productive than sitting around all day complaining. You ever think about contributing something to the household besides whining?

CAT: You’re right. I’ll just go out and get a job. You think anyone’s looking for an obese mammal that’s a foot tall with an IQ of 12 and no opposable thumbs?

CHRIS WALLACE: You could always get elected to Congress!

(laughter)

CHRIS WALLACE: Am I right?

(more laughter)

CAT: Good one.

CHRIS WALLACE: But seriously, let’s change the subject. Do you think there’s anyway we can stay out of each other’s way for the rest of the time I’m here?

CAT: No. I’m probably going to wait outside of your door every day and yell at you until you give me something decent to eat.

CHRIS WALLACE: You’re not going to get a whole lot of sympathy out of people with the shape you’re in.

CAT: Now who’s engaging in ad hominem attacks?!

CHRIS WALLACE: You’re fat and you’re complaining about not getting enough to eat! You don’t see the irony in that?!

(pause)

CAT: It doesn’t mean you have to be a fuckin’ asshole.

CHRIS WALLACE: I’m sorry. Just stop being so abrasive.

CAT: I can probably ease back a bit.

CHRIS WALLACE. Thank you.

CAT: You going to the club tonight?

CHRIS WALLACE: I don’t have any money.

CAT: Oh.

(pause)

CAT: I saw 2012 the other day.

CHRIS WALLACE: How was it?

CAT: It’s a disaster movie, you know? A lot of shit blows up.

CHRIS WALLACE: Yeah.

(pause)

CHRIS WALLACE: Hey, I’m gonna’ run.

CAT: Don’t you want to know my name?

CHRIS WALLACE: No. Fuck off. I hope you die.

That was my interview with cat.